Heigh-ho

OWNING a dog over the course of its lifetime now costs as much as a new Mercedes, according to the latest figures.

The total bill for expenses such as vet's fees, food, kennels and other necessities adds up to an average of £22,000...*

In the survey, 68 per cent of dog owners said there was nothing better than the unconditional love and companionship they received in return for the outlay - although 29 per cent complained about dog hairs and 14 per cent about the smell.

Of course, even in Scotland 68+29+14= 111, which means that 11% of those surveyed are lying through their teeth about there being "nothing better" than a dog's unconditional love and companionship. But I digress. Why would somebody prefer the company a four-legged smelly hairball to the rich feel of fine Corinthian leather beneath their butt and 400 horses at the tap of a toe? Ya got me.

That isn't to say that I dislike dogs. I don't. But seeing as every dog on the damned planet already thinks that I'm his best pal ever, I don't see why I have to actually own one instead of spending that money on something loud and black and shiny.

Then again, Henry the Dog rdr (pictured at left in his "cute" phase) is also loud and black and shiny, all 115 pounds of him. But a Carrara 4s won't stick its nose into the private parts of every house guest or leave nose smudges on every door and window, or deposit long streaks of dried drool down the sides of the car and a pile of hair under the table.

Then again, a Porsche also won't alert me to impending danger every *&^%$# time the doorbell rings, fart under the dinner table, or chase mrs. rdr's cats around the house until every throw rug is jumbled up against the walls.

The reason I bring this up is that there have been recent rumblings in the rdr home regarding the necessity for another four-legged eating machine to reside with us. It seems that as Henry the Dog's law school education is almost complete, he might not be able to come back home every weekend, thus leaving a gaping hole in mayhem production. Of course, when animals are considerred, the rdrs want nothing less than overkill. Yes, the words "Harlequin Great Dane" have indeed been uttered aloud.

Of course, I'm on to them. They know that when faced with a Great Dane, I'll be only too glad to accept a Rhodesian Ridgeback, which is exactly what they really want. See how cute they are? These little adorable little creatures grow up into things that kill lions. No sh*t.

So if one day you hear the silent sound of an electronic scream ringing through the blogosphere, you will know that I have succumbed once more, and that there is no Turbo in my future, unless it's one that answers to that name...wagging its tail.

*That's $38, 568.20, or roughly the amount it takes to board a trio of &%$#*&@ horses for a year.

**

How did I miss this story?

Martinifest leaves art museum shaken and stirred
Milwaukee Feb. 27, 2006
The glistening white Santiago Calatrava addition has made the Milwaukee Art Museum one of the city's classiest social addresses. But a recent martini fete held there turned into an overcrowded, drunken affair. Some unruly guests accosted artworks, which have been taken off display for a checkup.

People threw up, passed out, were injured, got into altercations and climbed onto sculptures at Martinifest, a semi- formal event organized by Clear Channel Radio and held at the museum Feb. 11, according to several people who attended or worked at the event.

(This is what passes for a "semi-formal" event in Milwaukee? I'd love to see these folks when they go all out!)

(Not to pry, but what was your first clue that people were taking advantage of unlimited martinis?)
"It was crazy," said attendee Kathleen Christians, 39. "People were shoving people over. People were getting sick, screaming, shouting, messing with the artwork."
A group of four young men climbed onto "Standing Woman," a tall, bronze sculpture of a goddess-like woman with exaggerated features by early 20th-century American artist Gaston Lachaise.
"They were standing on it, grabbing the boobs, and somebody was just taking pictures with a cell phone," said Laura Collins, 35.

(Hmmm...sounds like a typical night at Delta House. Were there any adults around?)

At the event, several vendors ran out of food, drink mix and vodka early on. Some who ran out of mix started pouring straight shots of vodka, according to several accounts.

(I'll take that as a "no.")"

We were hoping for a little sophistication, maybe," said Casey Rataczak, 27, a Wicked Hop bartender. "People were shoving their martini glasses in my face and not wanting to talk about the product . . . they were just worked up about getting their booze."

(Is EVERYBODY associated with this event a complete dope? We're talking about what amounts to FREE BOOZE! Who's gonna ask questions about the stuff. Pour 'em a glass of lighter fluid and they'll chug it down and tell 'em It's FREE dammit!)

"We were sardined in," said Collins, a first-time museum visitor. "People, boy, they wanted their martinis."

(Hmmm...Absolut sardinis!)

Tina Zarnoth, 32, said: "It just seemed right off the bat that things were chaotic. There were too many people there . . . people were getting rowdier and rowdier by the hour."
Denise Curran, 34, a lab technician who was injured when someone leaned onto a table that fell onto her legs, said, "You couldn't go anywhere, there was no flow."
"My whole calf is one big, nasty bruise," she added.

(I know Wisconsin is the Dairy State and all, but do you always bring your cows to parties? *groan*)

***

Police reported nothing major at the fest, but several attendees described minor injuries and other unpleasantries.
"We had seen this girl who had fallen," said Jamie Zwicky, 29, an emergency room nurse who attended the event. "She had a laceration on her head and some blood coming down . . . she looked very intoxicated."

(Getting stitches don't hurt as much when you're completely plastered. Not that I would know anything about that, of course.)

A man who got into what Wolfe called a "family feud" with another man jumped from an outside terrace on the south side of the museum, several reported. The hospital where the man was taken told Wolfe the man was going to be fine.

(Survey says! Jumps from the balcony and only sustains brief hospitalization!)

Zarnoth saw a few guards - removing a drunken young woman.

"Her arms were slung over them and her feet were dragging, basically," Zarnoth said. "I'd say that was pretty passed out."

(Semi-formally pretty, we trust.)

Clear Channel plans to stage another Martinifest in 2007 - in a larger location, Wolfe said.

(Let me suggest Lambeau Field , folks. It's the Home of the Cheeseheads, but I think you Knuckleheads will fit right in.)