What are you lookin' at Pinky? Me or the broad? 'Cause I don't swing in the saddle that way, cowboy. You know what I mean? I'm all about a ladies' bear. Sure, I'm short and hairy, with leaves in my teeth and a bad case of fleas, but chicks just dig the hell out of me. I just can't keep 'em off me. "Oooooooooh! You're soooo cuuuuute! " Yeah, yeah, baby, you too. Now pass me a beer.
And not just any beer, either. When a panda wants to relax with this week's eye candy, he settles down with a beer that says "I'm Grizzly, and I ain't shaved in a week. Rub my belly." Only one brand can bear the weight of that command: Bear Beer! The Beer of Bears!
Look at the grin on that polar dude, dude! You can tell that he's not spending his weekends shooting pool at the Elks Lodge. No way, man, that bear's gettin' some Ursa major majorette! The dude is positively swimming in it, man. He's a king, awright.
Even little Alberto needs only the bear minimum of cool to snag a whole winter's nap full o' snow bunnies. Yo, Bert! You bad dude! I mean bad! B-A-Double-D bad! You save some of that Olympic "gold" for the rest of us, brother! Shizzle!
What do you mean you just can't get the chicks to notice you? You see Marvin "Stinky" Bear out there at the sidewalk table? Man, that dude is just as plain as a Kansas wheatfield! You think you got problems? That dude has no mouth!
Ah, but do you see that fine fine blonde exiting stage right? She be all about Stinky, my man. All. About. Stinky. You know why? 'Cause Stinky's a bedtime bear, dude! He could be as ugly as a Yoko Ono one-woman show, and still split the sheets with Halle Berry. He's been sleeping every night, with every kind of woman, young and old and rich and poor the overdone and the works-in-progress. He don't care! They snuggle the hell out of him, and he gives them everything they are looking for in a bear. You want a second look, Pinky? You remember that face. That's the face that broke a thousand hearts. The dude is a god, man. A freakin' god.
Oh crap! It's Bruno! No, no! Don't look at him Pinky! You don't want to get tangled with him. He's a mean S.O.B. when he's drinkin'. Strictly a bad news bear when he gets drunk. (And between you and me, I've heard that the reason he's so mean is his whisper whisper whisper wishper wishper.....) Really, dude. If'n it was me I'd be a mean drunk too. But you never heard that from me, right? I mean, I wouldn't want to have to rip your throat out with my six inch claws or anything, ya know what I mean?
So, Pinky, it's Friday evening. Why are you hanging out the freakin' zoo anyway? Sure, you're pink and soft and relatively hairless, but I'm sure that there's someone, somewhere out there that'll take some mercy on you. Here's hoping that she can still walk on all four legs.
You'd better drink...a lot.