Get Two and Skip The Turbo

Okay, dog lovers. Here's the facts:

OWNING a dog over the course of its lifetime now costs as much as a new Mercedes, according to the latest figures.

The total bill for expenses such as vet's fees, food, kennels and other necessities adds up to an average of £22,000...*

In the survey, 68 per cent of dog owners said there was nothing better than the unconditional love and companionship they received in return for the outlay - although 29 per cent complained about dog hairs and 14 per cent about the smell.

Of course, even in Scotland 68+29+14= 111, which means that 11% of those surveyed are lying through their teeth about there being "nothing better" than a dog's unconditional love and companionship. But I digress. Why would somebody prefer the company a four-legged smelly hairball to the rich feel of fine Corinthian leather beneath their butt and 400 horses at the tap of a toe? Ya got me.

That isn't to say that I dislike dogs. I don't. But seeing as every dog on the damned planet already thinks that I'm his best pal ever, I don't see why I have to actually own one instead of spending that money on something loud and black and shiny.

Then again, Henry the Dog rdr (pictured at left in his "cute" phase) is also loud and black and shiny, all 115 pounds of him. But a Carrara 4s won't stick its nose into the private parts of every house guest or leave nose smudges on every door and window, or deposit long streaks of dried drool down the sides of the car and a pile of hair under the table.

Then again, a Porsche also won't alert me to impending danger every *&^%$# time the doorbell rings, fart under the dinner table, or chase mrs. rdr's cats around the house until every throw rug is jumbled up against the walls.

The reason I bring this up is that there have been recent rumblings in the rdr home regarding the necessity for another four-legged eating machine to reside with us. It seems that as Henry the Dog's law school education is almost complete, he might not be able to come back home every weekend, thus leaving a gaping hole in mayhem production. Of course, when animals are considerred, the rdrs want nothing less than overkill. Yes, the words "Harlequin Great Dane" have indeed been uttered aloud.

Of course, I'm on to them. They know that when faced with a Great Dane, I'll be only too glad to accept a Rhodesian Ridgeback, which is exactly what they really want. See how cute they are? These little adorable little creatures grow up into things that kill lions. No sh*t.

So if one day you hear the silent sound of an electronic scream ringing through the blogosphere, you will know that I have succumbed once more, and that there is no Turbo in my future, unless it's one that answers to that name...wagging its tail.

*That's $38, 568.20, or roughly the amount it takes to board a trio of &%$#*&@ horses for a year.

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