Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The 2006 Heigh-ho Oscar/Oscarina Moot Movie Awards

Well, the nominations for this year's Oscars have been announced this morning, and it looks like another crop of real winners. Not that I would know, as I haven't seen any of them. I fell asleep on the couch during the opening credits to "Cinderella Man" and the last movie I went to see was "Hoodwinked," which I must have slept through as well because I don't remember anything about it - except it cost me about 80 bucks to take my wife and two children.

Nevertheless, simply not having seen any of the nominated movies has never before stopped me from opining as to which of the worthy celluloid heroes and tomes will walk away with the award. This year is extra special, however, as we have some very controversial subjects in the mix. The current crop of Nominees deal with everything from pimps & ho's, homosexuality, transexuality, sexual harrassment, race relations, homosexuality, Arab terrorism, Israeli anti-terrorism, homosexuality, McCarthyism, drug addiction, homosexuality, the CIA & Middle East oil, to coal mining, country music and homosexuality. I'm just betting that your head is already hurting from sheer magnitude of it all, so I'll try to be gentle.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

The 2006 Heigh-ho Oscar/Oscarina Moot Movie Awards

  • Supporting Actress: Amy Adams, ''Junebug''; Catherine Keener, ''Capote''; Frances McDormand, ''North Country''; Rachel Weisz, ''The Constant Gardener''; Michelle Williams, ''Brokeback Mountain.''

Heigh-ho Pick: Rachel Weisz, "The Constant Gardner." This movie is about Africa and evil pharmaceutical companies, so it's got to win something. Plus, she plays an activist, so you can bet that by choosing Ms. Weisz, we'll be treated to lots of rightious spechifying of the type Hollywood loves so. Too bad nobody ever saw the movie.

Who should win instead: Francis McDormand for "North Country," because I think she is a terrific actress and she's married to one of the Cohn brothers, which means she is also very hip.

  • Supporting Actor: George Clooney, ''Syriana''; Matt Dillon, ''Crash''; Paul Giamatti, ''Cinderella Man''; Jake Gyllenhaal, ''Brokeback Mountain''; William Hurt, ''A History of Violence.''

Heigh-ho Pick: Matt Dillon, ''Crash'' . This is a stretch, I know. But Dillon's never been nominated before, and this low-budget (by Hollywood standards) flick has all the right "gutsy performance" criteria to send him home with the gilded doorstop. Also, he's got the best tough-guy line of the year: Officer Ryan: You think you know who you are? [Officer Hanson nods] Officer Ryan: You have no idea.

Who should of won instead: Paul Giamatti, "Cinderella Man." I thought his dad was the best Baseball Commissioner ever.

  • Actress: Judi Dench, ''Mrs. Henderson Presents''; Felicity Huffman, ''Transamerica''; Keira Knightley, ''Pride & Prejudice''; Charlize Theron, ''North Country''; Reese Witherspoon, ''Walk the Line.''

Heigh-ho Pick: Felicity Huffman, ''Transamerica'' . The plot is : Bree Osbourne is a pre-operative transsexual who has been living successfully as a woman and is preparing for her sexual reassignment surgery. When Bree learns that a teenage son she fathered in college has been arrested for hustling, her psychiatrist insists that she meet the boy and resolve their relationship before the surgery can be approved. A woman playing a man who wants to be come a woman and her troubled homosexual son on a road trip to find the real them. It's got everything! Well, almost everything.

Who should have won instead: Dame Judi Dench, ''Mrs. Henderson Presents.'' She should win every year that she is in a movie. She's royalty for chrissakes.

  • Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, ''Capote''; Terrence Howard, ''Hustle & Flow''; Heath Ledger, ''Brokeback Mountain''; Joaquin Phoenix, ''Walk the Line''; David Strathairn, ''Good Night, and Good Luck.''

Heigh-ho Pick: Philip Seymour Hoffman, ''Capote.'' I know, I know, "Another gay role?" Hey, you've got to work with what you got here. Every once in a while the Academy actually gets one right, and Capote's moral ambivalance makes his gayness more palatable than cowboy-love in the sixties.

Who should have won instead: Nobody else.

  • Director:Director: Ang Lee, ''Brokeback Mountain''; Bennett Miller, ''Capote''; Paul Haggis, ''Crash''; George Clooney, ''Good Night, and Good Luck.''; Steven Spielberg, ''Munich.''

Heigh-ho Pick: George Clooney, ''Good Night, and Good Luck.'' Hey, you didn't think Hollywood's favorite liberal mouth was going to get shut out in his directorial debut, did you? His bold move in making a movie about McCarthyism during the reign of Bushitler will not go unrewarded. Plus Spielburg pissed off the academy last time when he whined about not getting nominated for "A.I." (because it sucked), and now he has the audacity to allow his Arab terrorist characters in "Munich" to criticize Israel's counter-terroism policies? Toast.

Who should have won instead: Paul Haggis, ''Crash.'' Because his last name in the Scottish National Dish.

And finally, if you're still awake:

  • Best Picture: ''Brokeback Mountain,'' ''Capote,'' ''Crash,'' ''Good Night, and Good Luck,'' ''Munich.''

Heigh-ho Pick: (drumrolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll) "Brokeback Mountain" Don't tell me that you're surprised! Hell, dopey as "Titanic" was, it won Best Picture too! It's all about love Peoples! Just forget that image of John Wayne and the Marlboro Man, okay? Ride 'em cowboy!

What should have won instead: "Hoodwinked."

I think.


a former european said...

Gee, after looking at that crapfest of movies, why is anyone surprised that movie attendance has been down all year? Hollywood no longer makes movies for the masses, but only to impress their elitist clique of liberal fellow-travellers.

Then they make it so only Hollywood celebrities can afford the price of admission and concessions.

I'm no uber-highly paid studio executive, but I'll try to figure this one out. Hmmmm, let's see, 2+2=?

spd rdr said...

Well, if it's Hollywood, 2+2 means it's the begininings of an orgy.

Cassandra said...

Good Lord. I haven't seen any of them either, but then I only tend to even contemplate seeing two kinds of movies in the theater and both of them are usually picked out by my sons: old or film noir movies in those little old refurbished town theaters someone is trying to keep alive or entertaining fare like The Life Aquatic, Hero, or Shaun of the Dead - the kind you go see on Friday or Saturday before going to the local watering hole.

If I want to see a serious movie, I wait for it to come out on DVD.

Cassandra said...

And I think I should get partial credit for having read The Constant Gardener, though after reading it I'm astounded they bothered to make it into a movie.

Pile On® said...

You should make a pot of coffee and go ahead an watch Cinderella Man, it is pretty good.

spd rdr said...

I will, Pile. That's one I actually want to see.

KJ said...

Agreed on Cinderella Man.

Having not seen much else, all the other Oscars go to Narnia.

portia said...

Ditto on "Cinderella Man."
I highly recommend "Good Night, and Good Luck" and "Capote" too.

I've haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet (...yes, I plan to), and maybe even the sequel Brokeback to the Future."