Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Grounds For Annulment

Depending on what's between your legs, this may or may not be good news: There is no Emily, there is no Steven, there will be no divorce, New York style.

As several savvy HH readers surmised early on (save this author), the billboard, the blog--even the joint bank account--were all bogus. B-O-G-U-S. All part of a desparate clever viral marketing campaign for an upcoming Court TV show, Parco P.I. about some overweight, underloved Kojak look-alike gumshoe in New York City who tracks down spouses copulating with other people's spouses.

How totally unfun is that? Totally. On top of that, it sucks.

Folks, these days we're being duped big time--not by con men luring us into a game of three-card Monte or fast talking used car salesmen--by predatory viral marketing evangelists piggybacking on your my gullibility to do their low-budget word-of-mouth advertising, and the kicker is most times we I don't even know what they're selling or we're I'm promoting! What's wrong with this picture? What happened to wooing me? What happened to the good old days when smarmy advertisers did the talking? Two nasty words: Viral marketing.

Oh sure, the billboard/blog viral campaign was highly infectious effective in generating viral buzz (he told two friends, who told two friends, who told two friends, et. seq.) Within 24 hours, it was the talk of MSM, the blogworld and my "mailbox" while it tugged at the heartstrings (or something lower) of every Emily and Steven among us (or as a friend said after seeing the billboard "I think I've seen that episode.") It sucked us in with the possibility of someone else's "dirty laundry" being aired--in real time--right before our very eyes! Woo Hoo! The ultimate "get even" scenario touring right here in River City, and admission is free. Or so we thought...that is until we discovered that it wasn't Emily who was getting screwed it was us!

Well, I don't know about you but I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. I don't like being duped, and I certainly don't like playing host to someone else's viral virus. I got enough on my plate. I say it's high time for some backlash, my friends. This rant goes out to you Channel 23:

Dear Court TV:

Do I have your attention now? I know all about you, you dirty, sneaky, immoral, unfaithful, audience-deprived slimeball. Eveything's caught on tape. Eveything's going down on your permanent record. After your audacious billboard stunt, you can kiss goodbye any chance that I will ever watch, tape or TiVo any of your programs. You are officially banned in my household. Not even your commercials will grace my clicker.

And it's not only me who will be boycotting your low-budget low-life campaign. I have friends, lots of them. Some of them even have TVs. I am an honorary guest blogger on a blog that is read by people all over the world including Arizona, Georgia, Maryland, Ohio, Texas and Virginia. I will spread the sorry details of your stealth marketing tactics far and wide through my own low-budget campaign of viral buzz beginning right here and now.

Your forebears on Madison Avenue warned us years ago "It's not nice to fool Mother Nature." Well, here's an update bucko: It's not nice to con John Q. Public, either.

Have a nice day.

P.S. I hope Parco P.I. turns out to be just another washed-up "dick" with too much time on his hands, no headlights in his future, and the cancellation blues on his lips.

(Posted by Portia)


Anonymous said...

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...or something like that.

-Don Brouhaha

camojack said...

I think (if memory serves) I'd said something about it being a promo or a stunt...or somesuch.

portia said...

You betcha Don. My "stripes" as a cynical New Yorker were tested here, and I gotta be honest, I'm lookin' mighty "soft" these days. Time to get my hard on, back on. Or something like that:)

Yes, you did Camo, and you are one of the "savvy HH readers" I was referring to at the top of the post. In fact, you even doubted that the billboard photo was real! Pass go and collect $200.

Cassandra said...

You have a hard on?


Suddenly I am not so sure about those impromptu jello grudge matches, Portia darlin'. Even if you do wear a bikini.

[double gulp]

Especially if you wear a bikini.

*running away as fast as my little legs will carry me*

spd rdr said...

I find it odd that 30 years on a mere abnoramlity in popular music should have delivered the most poignant, unvarnished, and existential challenge ever put upon this unabashed capitalist:

"Ever had the feeling that you've been cheated?"

Yes, Johnny, I have. Unless, of course, I managed to get the better of the bargain.

camojack said...

OK, cool.

So tell me, where can I go to collect my $200?
(Somewhere in The Big Apple?!)

portia said...

LOL. If I knew those two little words would make you say uncle before the jello match Cass, I would have trotted them out much sooner:) In New York speak, it's akin to saying "get your girl, on," and should not be confused with the more literal "get your strap on." At least, that's what I'm told...:)

Good link Camo. I had to laugh reading that John Lindsay tried to dub NYC "Fun CIty." Back when he was a Mayor it was anything but! As for the $200, maybe try your hand at ever popular three-card monte? (follow the ace of diamonds)

camojack said...

In lieu of a coupla "C" notes, I'd settle for a visit to my blog...and that goes for all y'all what ain't been there (and commented).

Cassandra said...

Camo, I do visit from time to time. Lots of times, after dealing with VC and my own client email and phone calls, I am just so brain-fried by the end of the day that I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound completely moronic. I guess I don't mind over here because spd Pile and KJ have known me so long they already understand what an utter dimwit I am. Nothing shocks them anymore.

Or at least they are polite enough not to say anything.

I will try harder. That seems to be happening a lot lately.

I have been having trouble concentrating in the mornings too. That's why I often don't post until late. I still get up early, but a lot of mornings I have clients and distributors start calling me at 7 am when I'm still trying to write and then my train of thought jumps the track for good. No wonder nothing I write makes any fricking sense anymore. I shudder six times to sunday every time I hit Post.

spd rdr said...

Hey, Camo. I drop by your site all the time. Problem is, brother, you've already said it all.

Cassandra said...

Portia, I was just messing with you. It's so rare that you leave an snark opening for this drab little Country Mouse - how could I resist? :)

I am sure the sight of you in a bikini would send me running for the nearest full-length burkha - no Southern lady likes to lose *that* kind of competition. I have my pride, you know. [sniff!]

I was just poking a bit of fun at the tendency of some of my city gal friends to tell their country cousins how tough they are - the 'hard on' struck me as amusing in that context.

Cassandra said...


A snark opening.

See what I mean?

portia said...

Portia, I was just messing with you.

Ditto:) Mostly, I was poking fun at myself for falling hook, line and sinker for the billboard ruse. Let's not forget that I was the one who uploaded a picture of the damn thing from her camera phone. Duh?!

FWIW, Cass, I ain't so tough. In fact, there are days when I'm as soft as some of the marshmallows I roasted over a camp fire as a kid. But don't you dare tell that to the 6 million people with whom I ride the subway everyday...or to Court TV.

portia said...

Camo, my bad.
You're bookmarked... beginning now:)

camojack said...

"What an utter dimwit" you are?!

Au contraire, mon cher...I think you're brilliant.

spd rdr:
I wasn't referring to you, bro'; you've commented on my blog.

'S alright. So many blogs, so little time...

Cassandra said...


I will file that little gem away to salve my wounded ego after the thousand times each day when my face turns bright red after I've said something I wish I could take back. I sometimes think my Inner Editor needs a ruler to smack my outstretched hand with, but then I'd never say anything at all. Anyway, sometimes I don't realize what I should have said until after I say what I shouldn't have. We learn by doing, not by being afraid to try.

Or at least that's what I tell myself ...said the class clown :)

camojack said...

Ah, well...therein lies the difference between what you say spontaneously and what you do have an opportunity to edit. My blonde, 100% Polish chemical engineer girlfriend gets it from me mercilessly when she speaks without thinking it through first sometimes; you may well imagine how. But she's a good sport about it, though...

Pooke said...

Well, Portia, you're in good company. Bob still didn't believe it until he saw the story himself, and he invents stuff (using my Little Rascals voice here).

I have to say though, that your rant here is much more entertaining than anything the ficticious Emily did!

Cassandra said...

Well, my only saving grace is that in real life I am far quieter than I am online. Unless someone knows me really, really well I think three times before I tell people what I think about most subjects, and I certainly don't make off-color jokes or wisecracks. It's just not smart, and most people don't get that kind of thing anyway so you're wasting your time.

I used to joke about ScrappleFace being where the Id comes out to play. That's not too far from the truth for me. The Internet is just a place where I can say things I think all the time, but wouldn't say in real life except to people I trust. And there aren't many of those.