International Criminal Court to Hold Hearings, Picnic
BRUSSELS - Oct 9, 2005 - HH News Service
Reports of heavy fighting are emerging from eastern Belgium as European troops and fighter-bomber aircraft under the control of the United Nations have begun a systematic annihilation of the of blue forest-dwellers known in the west as "Smurfs." The diminutive Smurfs, known for their pure-white clothing and turban-style headresses, have long been suspect in Belgium (German for "doormat") for a radical lifestyle that is becoming increasingly incompatible with that of a rapidly changing Europe.
"You have to understand," said one E.U. diplomat on the condition of anomynity, "There are dozens and dozens of tiny blue shirtless men out there, all living in the same village with only one female between them! You figure it out." Said another, "Look at the size of their noses, mon ami. They are nothing but blue jooooos!"
Although reports are still sketchy, it is reported that the spiritual leader of the raucous fundementalist sect, known only as "Papa Smurf," escaped the bombing and is reported to be holding up with a cadre of hardcore fighters in the hills bordering Luxemburg and Germany.
Combined U.N. and Belgian forces are pressing the fugitives Smurfs from the west, while the Code Pink armies, led by Cindy Sheehan drive down from the north. "We'll get those little fascist bastards," Mother Sheehan told the assembled crowd of reports. "No little blue people are going to knock me off the front page. I've got absolute moral authority!"
Meanwhile to the south, three French armies have returned home after failing to find any Smurfs to surrender to. "It was scary," said one French commander. "We could hear them out there singing and playing thier little instruments...in the dark! At one point we all got lost foraging for mushrooms, but we still couldn't locate the little fellers." No word yet on whether the mushrooms were tasty.
Meanwhile, back at U.N. Headquarters, Secretary General Kofi Anan held a news conference calling for a full investigation into reported atrocities carried out by U.S. forces in occupied New Orleans. "The United Nations will not rest until there is a full accounting of the thousands of people killed, raped and starved at the Convention Center," he said. "Moreover, it is the responsibilty of the U.N. to make sure that sufficient no-bid reconstruction contracts are awarded to companies in developing nations, a list of which I have in my pocket."