Sunday, October 09, 2005

U.N., E.U. Join Forces In Belgian Smurfocide

International Criminal Court to Hold Hearings, Picnic

BRUSSELS - Oct 9, 2005 - HH News Service
Reports of heavy fighting are emerging from eastern Belgium as European troops and fighter-bomber aircraft under the control of the United Nations have begun a systematic annihilation of the of blue forest-dwellers known in the west as "Smurfs." The diminutive Smurfs, known for their pure-white clothing and turban-style headresses, have long been suspect in Belgium (German for "doormat") for a radical lifestyle that is becoming increasingly incompatible with that of a rapidly changing Europe.
"You have to understand," said one E.U. diplomat on the condition of anomynity, "There are dozens and dozens of tiny blue shirtless men out there, all living in the same village with only one female between them! You figure it out." Said another, "Look at the size of their noses, mon ami. They are nothing but blue jooooos!"


Although reports are still sketchy, it is reported that the spiritual leader of the raucous fundementalist sect, known only as "Papa Smurf," escaped the bombing and is reported to be holding up with a cadre of hardcore fighters in the hills bordering Luxemburg and Germany.
Combined U.N. and Belgian forces are pressing the fugitives Smurfs from the west, while the Code Pink armies, led by Cindy Sheehan drive down from the north. "We'll get those little fascist bastards," Mother Sheehan told the assembled crowd of reports. "No little blue people are going to knock me off the front page. I've got absolute moral authority!"
Meanwhile to the south, three French armies have returned home after failing to find any Smurfs to surrender to. "It was scary," said one French commander. "We could hear them out there singing and playing thier little instruments...in the dark! At one point we all got lost foraging for mushrooms, but we still couldn't locate the little fellers." No word yet on whether the mushrooms were tasty.

Meanwhile, back at U.N. Headquarters, Secretary General Kofi Anan held a news conference calling for a full investigation into reported atrocities carried out by U.S. forces in occupied New Orleans. "The United Nations will not rest until there is a full accounting of the thousands of people killed, raped and starved at the Convention Center," he said. "Moreover, it is the responsibilty of the U.N. to make sure that sufficient no-bid reconstruction contracts are awarded to companies in developing nations, a list of which I have in my pocket."

9 comments:

portia said...

"You have to understand. There are dozens and dozens of tiny blue shirtless men out there, all living in the same village with only one female between them!"

And the problem is?

Oh man. I was just coming to grips with the perversion of Sponge Bob, Square Pants. I'm not sure this is what Hanna/Barbera had in mind, but it brings new meaning to Saturday morning cartoons.

Interesting. Wikpedia is considering deleting the Smurf entry.

spd rdr said...

Smurf Communism?
What are these people smoking out there?

Pooke said...

Bombing Smurfs!? Sounds like the work of Huckleberry Hound to me! Damn Cowboy warmongers.

No Smurf blood for Oil!

Cassandra said...

I would think this might have the opposite effect from what was intended - the ultimate rebuttal to "war is never the answer".

The Smurfs are sufficiently annoying that UMI-SELF might find themselves creating a pro-war underground in Europe for the first time in history.

Masked Menace© said...

All I got to say is if the so-called religious leader "Papa Smurf" is cloning himself (to create decoys for bombers?), we're all in really big trouble.

a former european said...

C,mon Spd! If you are going to do a satirical news piece, it must have at least some minor connection to reality. No way could the Phlegms, Frogs, commie pinkos, and the UN take out the Smurfs!

First of all, I don't believe the Belgies even HAVE an army anymore. They disbanded it after WWII, figuring that slowing down the German Blitzkrieg for a week or two just wasn't worth the effort.

Mother Sheehan and her followers are still standing in a ditch outside Namur, demanding to speak to the patriarchical oppressor "Papa" Smurf.

The French all ran away to go strike for a 10-hour work week. They were overheard grumbling: "Le Smurfs c'est formidable! Overrun we were by their ferocitie! Like crazed badgers they fought!"

The UN "bluehelmets" were dismayed to learn that the color of their helmets was a near perfect match for the skincolor of the Smurfs. The combination Peruvian, Uzbeki, Tahitian, and Burkina Faso troops withdrew after suffering enormous casualties, solely due to friendly, not enemy, action. Three entire regiments were wiped out in "friendly fire" incidents.

In his cave hideout in the "tribal territories" region of the Ardennes, Smurf freedom fighter "Papa" Smurf, leader of the Hamasmurf and Al-Smurfr factions, vowed vengeance on the infidels who have desecrated the holy Smurf forest. "We will turn the forest lowlands into a sea of kafr blood! We will not allow our people to be quietly wiped out like the Keeblers! By my turban, I swear it!"

spd rdr said...

afe:
I checked. Belgium does too have an army, and it's "one team ready to act." It may be other things too, but I can't tell because the rest of the site is in French. But I'm sure that they'd still be no match for a determined Smurf commando unit.

a former european said...

Thanks for checking, Spd, but I think what that site was saying is that Belgium only has one team which is ready to act. In other words, Belgium has a 4-man army.

So, while you seem to be technically correct re the existence of an "army", I don't think four Belgians can do much of anything to anybody.

Masked Menace© said...

They could probably give you a really bad case of indigestion after eating too much of their chocolate.