Saturday, April 01, 2006

A Bachelor's Repast


Suppose your wife went away for a weekend with her girlfriends, and took the only youngin' that you might possibly have to provide guidance for, or in fact, had any hope of interacting with whatsoever beyond monsyllablic teenagerisms, what would you cook?

Ok. Starve is the first answer and pizza the second. But what if you actually had to cook something? Not for a bunch of people, like a Master of the Grill can easily handle given two days prep time. But when it's 9:00 p.m on a Friday, and you are the only guest, what do you whip up?

What else. The Kitchen Pantry Garbage Plate.

I got home late last night and put together a quick feast that even the most estrogen-challenged among us can easily acheive. First scour the fridge fo hidden leftovers. Finding none, proceed to the mud-room pantry, and there locate various foods missed in last year's can drive. Select. Open. And throw into pot. Cook. Put cheese on top and serve with Cheez-its and beer. In a pinch you can substitute Kibble N' Bits for the Cheeze-its. It tastes the same, and your dog will love the leftovers.

For those that need to follow directions here is:

spd rdr's Your'e On Your Own Again Bachelor Chili:

Three cans of Hormel Chili Without Beans - expiration date unknown, although I vaguely remember something about Chili Dogs and Brett Farve winning the Super Bowl- open can, pour off grease and add to beer, dump the remains into pot.

Add one can Goya Black Beans - last seen when I made soup from the ham bone left over from Easter 1998. Stir.

One can Kidney Beans. Hell, how old can these things possibly be? There's even a Zip Code on the label. Dump into pot. Stir.

One can Delmonte Diced Tomatoes. What the hell. There's a half dozen of these things in the pantry. Might as well get your vegetables.

One can Pineapple juice. Add to rum, and pretend Angelina Jolie is massaging your feet.

After the mess has been cooking for a while, go down to the garage refrigerator and seek out some really old Chinese food. In particular, look for the boxes that have white rice in them.
Dump whatever you find into the pot.

****CAUTION****
Over time , leftover Chinese takeout rice assumes the characteristics of kiln-fired brick. Inattention when adding said rice brick to rapidly boiling chili mess may cause a severe disturbance in local cleanliness requiring more than an hour to hose down the stove, backsplash, walls, floor, and assorted animals Nevertheless, even after such efforts, one must still expect to be informed, unbidden, by a teen aged girl whose room resembles an archeological dig, that your cleaning efforts have rendered the kitchen clean, but not "woman clean." Open beer. Swallow.
********
After the movie's over, or whenever, saunter back into the kitchen and check on the pot of stuff. If it is still not in flames, find a bowl and eat it in front of a) a western, b) a baseball movie, or c) a movie where everything blows up. Turn up the sound really loud and add Texas Pete liberally to get the full effect. Put some on your chili, too.

Fall asleep in your chair and wish your wife was home.

Fart freely.

Throw away the pot in the morning.

9 comments:

Pile On® said...

Me hungry.

Cassandra said...

That is quite possibly the most pitiful post I have ever read in my entire life, mr rdr :D

It was also funny as hell.

spd rdr said...

That means I must be improving.

Cassandra said...

Snark, snark, snark... :)

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