Beloved Leader Lights Fuse, Runs Away

The world is abuzz with the mumblings of diplomats, all of whom are "deeply concerned" about our little North Korean friend's recent bottle rocket display. The U.N. called an emergency meeting of the Security Council this morning, and then promptly adjourned for lunch (no kidding). But there's an awful lot of hand wringing going on, and it's all Bush's fault according to Molly Ivins, who still holds the honor of being The Worst Columnist Ever.

Naturally, being the good investigative pajamalist( (c), dude, like copyrighted, man, 4-eva) that I am, I wanted to get both sides of the story before I went off half-cocked on a unintelligble rant. So off I went to the Korean Central News Agency of the DPRK in search of the "inside" story of the missile launch and some insight as to what passes for grey matter over there these days.

I was disappointed. The Central News Agency had nothing on the big story. Nothing at all. To be sure, they offered plenty of the insane haranguing about U.S. Imperialist warmongering. Here's today's favorite :

The United States does not want peace at all, but only seeks to oppress
other countries and dominate the world by force. With nothing the U.S. imperialists can cover up their criminal nature as a chieftain of aggression and war and an enemy of peace. The U.S. should stop at once such reckless moves of seriously threatening and destroying the world peace and stability and accelerating new arms race.

"With nothing" we can cover stuff up? Wha??? We can't even keep a secret that there's a secret.

But there was nothing from the Central News Agnecy about how North Korea was suddenly going to transform the world into a peaceful pasture of subserviating dolts by the selective application of a mushroom cloud somewhere near East F*cking Atu-Atu in the Aluetians, even if they could get the damned thing off the launchpad. So no news is good news from North Korea, I guess. But this little item caught my eye:

Berkeley University of California Professor and His Party Arrive Here
Pyongyang, July 4 (KCNA) -- Professor of Government Emeritus of
Berkeley University of California in the United States Robert A. Scalapino and his party arrived here Tuesday.

"What's a Berkeley prof doing in North Korea?" I wondered. Instantly went to the Berkely Faculty website and looked up Professor Scalapino. Here's what I got: Nada. The guy doesn't have a bio, he isn't teaching any classes, and if you're thinking about contacting him, forget it. The man has no email address. At this point, I began to suspect that something wasn't quite jake here. A Political Science professor in North Korea without an email address??? Sounds like the CIA to me.

I googled his name in the hopes of finding some incriminating evidence that I could sell to the New York Times. Uh oh. It was worse that I thought. The guy apparently takes this Asia stuff seriously and even spends his vacations in commie garden spots like China, and the USSR/Russia. Then he comes back and writes more books, that is, when he's not clueing in Congress or bitch-slapping the U.N. I'll bet his frequent flyer miles are totally awesome.

But as I still I have no proof that Prof. Scalapino is a commie spy or a CIA agent posing as a commie spy, there is no way this story is ever going to get printed in the Times.

Unless, it's a secret.

But I'd be careful about what I say over there, Doc.
You know, like Times Select.