Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Future Current Events

Government Gives Blessing to Manless Merger *

WASHINGTON (AP) - Crystal ("Bambi") Hardmaker's acquisition of Stacy-Anne C. ("Buzz") Moore got the go-ahead from the Federal Weddings Commission on Wednesday as the deal to create the No. 3 largest lesbian commercial marriage in the U.S. moved a step closer to final approval.

With the FWC's unanimous action, the merger awaits approval from the Justice Department.

The FWC said the deal "will serve the public interest, convenience, and necessity, and that the likely public interest benefits of the merger outweigh any potential public interest harms."

The new couple would have more than 40 million online customers and $40 billion in annual media revenue. It would represent a strong competitor to Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson, the market leaders.

Shareholders from both sides of the family/aisle approved the merger last month.

The combination would give Hardmaker access to Moore's 15.3 million subscribers, many of whom are registered as "Anonymous businessman." In return, Moore would avoid a costly lawsuit involving its own network, Boeing, Dailmer-Benz Goldman Sachs, The Puppy Place, six goats and a round of parmesian cheese , the details of which were inadvertantly published on the little known weblog, "Heigh-ho"(pronounced "hay-ho") just last week.

Officials have said there will be some layoffs. (hee-hee. Ed.) The combined marriage is expected to service around 60,000 "visitors," which is about equal to the current Hilton and Anderson "visitors."

The new Hardmaker-Moore Corp. plans to spin off Hardmaker's local telephone response services as its own business early next year. That would form what would be the fifth-largest local telecommunications sex company in the U.S., with 7.6 million access lines in 18 states.

Rival postal competitors Victoria and Victoria's Secret could not be reached for comment. The American Civil Liberties Union, however, has vowed to fight the merger based upon the government's use of the term "blessed" in conjunction with any lesbian marriage, unless such rights are condoned by the government, in which case it's okay...unless it isn't, which case the ACLU vows to fight to get such unions blessed by the government as long as there is no actual "blessing" involved.
I now know why the Russians drink vodka.

*This is parody. Swallow it and read Swift.


portia said...

Again, with the goats....

How the hell did Hardmaker mount that takeover? No doubt someone mistook a strap-on for a poison pill. Lawyers.

Cassandra said...

I now know why the Russians drink vodka...

So do I.