How I Became A Creationist

Did you ever read something in the newspaper that you really wish you hadn't? Did you ever start a reading a story with wide-eyed anticipation and wind up instead with a sort of a "I really didn't need to know that" feeling? I'm not talking about the latest leak from the intelligence [sic] community, kiddies, I'm talking about Science. Permit me to share with you.

In today's edition of The New York Times there appears an article entitled "Two Splits Between Human and Chimp Lines Suggested." "Hmmmm," I hmmmmed to myself, "this looks interesting." And then it hit me in paragraph two:

A new comparison of the human and chimp genomes suggests that after the two lineages separated, they may have begun interbreeding.

Let that sink in for a moment. By examining DNA, scientists now believe that great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Grandpa rdr liked to do the horizontal bop with monkeys! Hoo-boy...this is going to be hard to explain to the kids. "You want to know why Aunt Gladys has a hairy back? Well, a long, long, long time ago....."

I'm not the only one disconcerted with this news. The scientists themselves are a bit squeemish about the prospect that their ancestors took banana-peelers to the prom.

If the earliest hominids are bipedal, it's hard to think of them interbreeding with the knuckle-walking chimps — it's not what we had in mind," said Daniel E. Lieberman, a biological anthropologist at Harvard.

Me neither, Doc.

But wait, the story gets even grosser! Even though it has been scientifically proven that all men are pigs, it turns out that it wasn't Grandpa who wandered off the hominid plantation for a walk on the wild side.

Hybrid populations often go extinct because the males are sterile, Dr. Reich pointed out, so hybrid females may have mated with male chimps to produce viable offspring.

Oh Grandmother! How could you! With a chimp? Hand me the barf bag.

Adam and Eve is so much easier. So much less icky. Wham bam! Here's the human race! Get busy multiplying, kids, and leave them monkeys be!

And that's how I became a creationist.