Friday, July 22, 2005

When Animals Attack

Judge Roberts may be (seriously) untouchable by the abortion-litmus crowd, because regardless of his personal beliefs, there is scant evidence that any of those views carry over into his judicial opinions. Well, this bunch doesn't give up so easy. Witness this: Mrs. John Roberts, the wife of the nominee has her own opinions, and *gasp* she may be an anti-abortionist! That should clearly invalidate his nomination! My GOD! He's not only a white man, a straight man, a married man, but he's a CATHOLIC to boot. And he's even married to a Catholic! AND SHE HAS HER OWN OPINIONS!!!!!! This is clearly the end of civilized society.

Or perhaps an opening bid in a run for Senator of New York.

I for one know that every time I am up to my neck in a difficult legal question, the first thing I do is ring up the wife.

spd: Ring ring! Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!Ring ring!

wife: Hello?

spd: Hi honey. Where were you?

wife: Laundry room trying to get green crayola out of daughter #3's new Wonderbra. I wound up dying a cat by mistake. She looks like a fluffy raw steak. What's up?

spd: Can you spare a minute? I've got this nagging Commerce Clause problem that I need some homespun help unravelling.

wife: Well, make it quick because I've got to pick up spd jr from karate at four and the girls have riding lessons at 4:15 and the maids are coming at 4:17 and a half and I'm doing the taxes and making a pinata for Barbara's birthday party and there's a cake in the oven for daughter #2's teacher who's got shingles and the pool guys just got here about the turtle invasion and the roof guy is dangling from his foot outside the dining room window. What is it?

spd: Well... it should be simple. Should the Pike Balancing test be used where there is no finding of facial discrimination and no facts put forth as to...

BEEP! BEEP!

wife: Hold on a second honey...that's the chimney guy calling about the squirrels.

Musical interlude: "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro; "She's Having My Baby" by Paul Anka; "Pappa Don't Preach" by Maddonna

wife: Hello? Honey?

spd: I'm here. Honey, we've got to do something about the "hold" music. It's giving me the creeps.

wife: Sorry about that. While you were on hold the Bling sisters dropped by to show me their new shitzu, "Muffin." Ugly dog. But it's cute.

spd: I'm sure. Say honey? I hate to pressure you but I've just got to get this brief out by five tonight, and I need your help.

wife: Okay, shoot.

spd: Should the Pike Balancing test be used where there is no finding of facial discrimination on interstate commerce and no facts put forth as to a discriminatory effect or purpose?

wife: No.

spd: Huh... Why?

wife: Because, genius, there's nothing to balance. No discrimination on one hand, and no facts on the other. It's a wash.

spd: But what about potential burdens?

wife: Burdens? You want to talk to me about burdens? Listen mister, I've got your burdens. I've got your burdens, hanging. Right now there're three Jehova's Witnesses trying to save both your son and his skatebosrd out in the driveway, daughter# 2 is designing a neck tattoo and the dog just polished off the meat-colored cat. Burdens? You want to talk burdens! Why I oughta...

spd: Uh...uh...*click*


This is pretty much the same argument I'll make in my upcoming brief to the Supreme Court.
I sure hope the wives are listening.

8 comments:

Jehane said...

Well in my view the truly important, unexplored questions are these:

1. What does 4-year old, adopted son Jack think about abortion?

2. Is he gay? (a question the DU was keenly interested in researching after his little dance number the other night).

I fail to see how we can approve Robert's nomination with these weight questions hanging fire.

Jehane said...

Argggh.

"weight-y"

portia said...

I sure hope the wives are listening

Um, spd, I don't wish to sound pedantic but I suggest you substitute the word spouses for the word wives. Who knows? You may want Marty Ginsburg, the highly-respected Professor of Law at Georgetown, to weigh in:)

Besides, it dates you:)))

portia said...

The more I think about this, the more steamed I get at the provincial thinking...on both sides. Make no mistake the Pro-Lifers are just as giddy as the Pro-Choicers are troubled. To quote Ted Kennedy (yes, it's a first) "I think it ought to be out of bounds." Jane Roberts is a very impressive, accomplished woman (check out her CV) and I think it's a disservice to both of them--and to us-- to suggest some sort of dependent, joined-at-the-hip thinking exists.

Besides, Bush's wife is pro-choice and as best I can tell their "pillow talk" hasn't budged his thinking. BTW, Barbara Bush is also pro-choice but I'm not sure how that plays into the equation:)

spd rdr said...

I wasn't trying to imply that Ruth Ginsburg isn't a woman, but only that we all know that husbands don't have any influence over what their wives think. Otherwise we would have heard of Mr. Boxer by now. :-)

I do think that this kind of BS is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to dig up something anything to de-rail this conformation. And its disgracful.

Moreover, who the hell cares what this woman thinks anyway?

portia said...

Nice save.

spd rdr said...

Thanks.

Former Marxist said...

I personally don't give a rats hiney about what Anita Shrill says.

Complete and udder Butt Bowler!!